They walk by me like I’m not there

Q: My dad is drunk all the time and mom is never home. They walk by me like I’m not there. They don’t talk to me or care about me. I don’t feel loved anymore.

A: The first thing I want to make sure we are clear about is that this is not your fault. Secondly, I want you to know that you are loved and cared about. Simply by reaching out as you have, you have opened your world into a larger one where there are lots of people who now know you and care about you.

Finding the Roots of the situation:

Relationships are always difficult to handle especially when things are not going well. I know from speaking with others and from my own experience as a youth, our mothers and fathers were our whole world. We rely on them to feed us, protect us and guide us and we put our trust in them to take care of us. When parents withdraw attention from their children or ignore them and leave them on their own, our feelings of security, love, support and guidance for living life fades away, leaving us feeling abandoned and unsure of where we fit in.

Parents generally love their children and care for them as best they can but parents, like everyone else, have problems in life. The way they grew up, the things they have experienced in their past, and the decisions they made along the way have created the person you see in front of you today. Everyone, including you, are molded and shaped into who they are by past experiences, their daily surroundings and routines at home, and the traditions and way of life of their neighborhood or city.

                Parents are not perfect and they make mistakes. Sometimes they make lots of mistakes that seem to never end. Everyone struggles to live their lives and make sense of the world but we don’t always do things the right way. Sometimes we make bad choices and sometimes we are forced to accept bad choices. Sometimes people can lose sight of what is important and become too focused on themselves while trying to deal with their problems. Sometimes their problems may seem overwhelming to them and can have difficulty handling everything. When they do that, they sort of block out other things or put up invisible walls and forget about other people or concerns. Your parents may be like that. Perhaps they are feeling lonely and unloved by their relatives and friends too. Everyone deals with their problems in different ways and some choices turn into bad habits which are hard to stop after a while.

Transformation- What Action can we take:

One thing you might try is simply telling your parents how you feel, that you miss spending time with them and feel lonely. Perhaps they assume you are ok and don’t know how your feeling. Perhaps it has become a habit for them of having those invisible walls up or blocking others out they forgot they are doing it.

Perhaps you might ask your parents to do things with you, like go for a walk or play  a game with you. Perhaps you can ask to go with them when they have things to do. You can really get to know someone by spending even short times together, especially if they are busy and don’t seem to have much spare time. You may not be able to do a lot of things with your parents and they may only have a few minutes here and there to spend with you. It may also take time to get them to used to doing new things with you, but keep trying.

Our parent’s attention is so important, especially when we are young and unable to live on our own, that we can feel as if we are alone in the world when its missing. I promise you that you are not alone even though it may feel that way. You might find that when you’re busy doing things and spending time with other people the world seems a little smaller and you realize there are lots of people who know you and care about you. 

Try spending more time with friends or relatives who you can talk to and get to know better. Maybe get involved in sports or other activities in your school or neighborhood organizations and meet new people. Many young people volunteer the hospitals or other organizations where their help is greatly appreciated and they meet all sorts of nice people. Sometimes we think that meeting new people is hard and can be a little scary. But I have found that once you meet someone and get to know them they become really familiar and comfortable to be with. There are lots of people who are my friends who don’t know it yet simply because I haven’t met them yet! The difference between a stranger and a very close friend is simply getting to know them. Give it a try!

One last thing. If for some reason things get really bad at home and you feel really down or you are in physical danger, there are lots of excellent services who have people who will speak to you immediately and are available 24 hrs a day on the phone or online. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with someone because there are a lot of people who you may not know that really do care about you. There are some of those places listed in my “Links”.