Mother died and father became distant. I feel so sad and lost.

Q: My mother just died and my father has become very distant and solitary. I can’t talk to him. I feel so sad and lost and I don’t know why.

A: It is important for you to know that everyone who faces the loss of a loved one feels many of the same strong emotions that you are feeling. When someone we love is dying or death has overtaken them, it brings out our fears for the future, our regrets from the past and our emotions of today.

With the birth of every life on this planet there is the certainty of knowing that someday our death will follow and we will have to leave this world. Death can be very emotional for those who are leaving us as well as for those who are left behind to carry on without them because of the attachments we have created. Over time we become comfortable, have certain routines with that person and we may rely on them to take care of us. Their loss can be overwhelming to us.

It is important to remember that each of us deals with loss of life in different ways. Each of us is shaped by our experiences, our personalities and our environments making us unique individuals who deal with death in our own way. So although I know there is much pain, sadness and confusion inside of you, the hurt you’re feeling is normal even though it may be quite different from how others deal with the death of a loved one. I cannot heal what you feel inside nor can anyone take away your pain, but we can be with you as you move through this process of grieving for your loved one.

Grief is a natural response to any kind of loss and mourning is a process we go through that helps us to cope with our grief and our loss. However, mourning is very personal and it can vary greatly from person to person. Some people might talk about so called “normal stages of grieving” but when we try to cope with our loss the stages and the timing of those processes can be very different and last different periods of time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there a normal way to grieve there is only your way, but there does seem to be similarities in the way people grieve for a loved one.

So what happens?

Knowing that everyone is different I will attempt to explain this in a very broad and general way. Typically, we accept the reality of the loss, we experience emotional pain and suffering, adjust to living without the loved one and finally let go.

We may start by feeling angry they have left us, sadness and crying because they are gone, shock perhaps if it was sudden, loneliness with them gone and fear of what our future will be like without them. Routine activities can become difficult because you can’t do things the “old way”. Meals, pets, work, school all seem to be disrupted and must be done in a different way. Things can feel very disorganized.

We can become withdrawn, preoccupied and isolate ourselves from others. We can suffer physical symptoms and distress blaming others, feeling guilty, full of confusion and may develop low self esteem. This despair may feel like being at the bottom of a pit full of hopelessness, anguish, despair and even suicidal thoughts where your thinking and actions seem to slow down and you feel lost and alone.

Please know that if you feel like this you are not alone and you do not have to be alone. If you feel this way and you have no one to talk to or lean on for support, please pick up the phone or log on to a computer and talk to the kids help phone, a distress center or suicide hot line (some are listed in my links). Believe me, there are so many people who care about you and what you’re feeling, many who have shared the same pain that you have, that you never have to feel alone.

There is no easy way to say goodbye to a loved one and sometimes it can take a long time to mourn the loss. Fortunately, at some point we usually start to reorganize and begin to shift out of our despair towards a new reality and a life without the person we’ve lost. We may feel worn out, detached, indifferent, and yet sometimes start having a sporadic interests in things which slowly begins to grow.

Although the pain of the loss, and the memories of their lives will never go away, as we mourn we may finally accept the loss of our loved one and look forward and outwardly into the world. We may begin to gain new interests, engaging more with others, be able to talk about the death of our loved one without pain and anguish, and have meaningfulness, purpose and hope for our future.

What can you do?

Share your story and celebrate the positive things of that person’s life and the memories and the happy times you’ve spent with them. Sometimes others may feel uncomfortable and not sure how to talk to you. Tell them you need to talk about the person and you may cry but it’s ok. Allow yourself to experience the pain of loss. It’s ok to be sad and to cry and to get angry. Let it out at your own pace. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to let out and express your feelings, to feel the need to be self absorbed sometimes and be alone yet with others being near. Slowly make adjustments to your life and then reorient yourself towards new beginnings, never forgetting the loved one, but celebrating the life that they had with you in your new beginnings.

As much as you need your father he probably also needs you. He is likely struggling with the same kinds of emotions, loneliness and fears that you are. Remember, everyone deals with death differently and being alone may be his reaction to what’s happening. Talk to him and tell him your thoughts and feelings and ask him about his feelings too. He may not want to open up to you just yet but he will know your there and he will know your feelings as well.

If you are a spiritual or religious person, this may be the time to speak to a spiritual leader from that organization. They can help guide you and comfort you along with its members who will also reach out to you if you let them.

It is also important that you take care of yourself. Get lots of rest because we can become very tired and forget that our bodies need sleep, care and healthy nutrition.

Try to carry on with the things you like to do. Some things people have said helped them were; taking walks, writing a poem, starting a diary or journal, praying, reading a good book, playing or watching games, doing crafts and hobbies, riding their bike, going to the gym, joining a church group or listen to relaxing or comforting music. Don’t forget how to laugh too because it will make you feel better and help reduce your tension and anxiety. Watch funny movies or shows, do relaxation techniques visualizing yourself in a happy and comfortable place to give yourself some time where you are content and at peace. Find a person to talk to and listen to you. It really helps to release all those emotions and all that pressure inside of you.

 Above all remember to love yourself, allow yourself to cry, to be angry and experience the love you held for the person who is gone.