Mother died and father became distant. I feel so sad and lost.

Q: My mother just died and my father has become very distant and solitary. I can’t talk to him. I feel so sad and lost and I don’t know why.

A: It is important for you to know that everyone who faces the loss of a loved one feels many of the same strong emotions that you are feeling. When someone we love is dying or death has overtaken them, it brings out our fears for the future, our regrets from the past and our emotions of today.

With the birth of every life on this planet there is the certainty of knowing that someday our death will follow and we will have to leave this world. Death can be very emotional for those who are leaving us as well as for those who are left behind to carry on without them because of the attachments we have created. Over time we become comfortable, have certain routines with that person and we may rely on them to take care of us. Their loss can be overwhelming to us.

It is important to remember that each of us deals with loss of life in different ways. Each of us is shaped by our experiences, our personalities and our environments making us unique individuals who deal with death in our own way. So although I know there is much pain, sadness and confusion inside of you, the hurt you’re feeling is normal even though it may be quite different from how others deal with the death of a loved one. I cannot heal what you feel inside nor can anyone take away your pain, but we can be with you as you move through this process of grieving for your loved one.

Grief is a natural response to any kind of loss and mourning is a process we go through that helps us to cope with our grief and our loss. However, mourning is very personal and it can vary greatly from person to person. Some people might talk about so called “normal stages of grieving” but when we try to cope with our loss the stages and the timing of those processes can be very different and last different periods of time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there a normal way to grieve there is only your way, but there does seem to be similarities in the way people grieve for a loved one.

So what happens?

Knowing that everyone is different I will attempt to explain this in a very broad and general way. Typically, we accept the reality of the loss, we experience emotional pain and suffering, adjust to living without the loved one and finally let go.

We may start by feeling angry they have left us, sadness and crying because they are gone, shock perhaps if it was sudden, loneliness with them gone and fear of what our future will be like without them. Routine activities can become difficult because you can’t do things the “old way”. Meals, pets, work, school all seem to be disrupted and must be done in a different way. Things can feel very disorganized.

We can become withdrawn, preoccupied and isolate ourselves from others. We can suffer physical symptoms and distress blaming others, feeling guilty, full of confusion and may develop low self esteem. This despair may feel like being at the bottom of a pit full of hopelessness, anguish, despair and even suicidal thoughts where your thinking and actions seem to slow down and you feel lost and alone.

Please know that if you feel like this you are not alone and you do not have to be alone. If you feel this way and you have no one to talk to or lean on for support, please pick up the phone or log on to a computer and talk to the kids help phone, a distress center or suicide hot line (some are listed in my links). Believe me, there are so many people who care about you and what you’re feeling, many who have shared the same pain that you have, that you never have to feel alone.

There is no easy way to say goodbye to a loved one and sometimes it can take a long time to mourn the loss. Fortunately, at some point we usually start to reorganize and begin to shift out of our despair towards a new reality and a life without the person we’ve lost. We may feel worn out, detached, indifferent, and yet sometimes start having a sporadic interests in things which slowly begins to grow.

Although the pain of the loss, and the memories of their lives will never go away, as we mourn we may finally accept the loss of our loved one and look forward and outwardly into the world. We may begin to gain new interests, engaging more with others, be able to talk about the death of our loved one without pain and anguish, and have meaningfulness, purpose and hope for our future.

What can you do?

Share your story and celebrate the positive things of that person’s life and the memories and the happy times you’ve spent with them. Sometimes others may feel uncomfortable and not sure how to talk to you. Tell them you need to talk about the person and you may cry but it’s ok. Allow yourself to experience the pain of loss. It’s ok to be sad and to cry and to get angry. Let it out at your own pace. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to let out and express your feelings, to feel the need to be self absorbed sometimes and be alone yet with others being near. Slowly make adjustments to your life and then reorient yourself towards new beginnings, never forgetting the loved one, but celebrating the life that they had with you in your new beginnings.

As much as you need your father he probably also needs you. He is likely struggling with the same kinds of emotions, loneliness and fears that you are. Remember, everyone deals with death differently and being alone may be his reaction to what’s happening. Talk to him and tell him your thoughts and feelings and ask him about his feelings too. He may not want to open up to you just yet but he will know your there and he will know your feelings as well.

If you are a spiritual or religious person, this may be the time to speak to a spiritual leader from that organization. They can help guide you and comfort you along with its members who will also reach out to you if you let them.

It is also important that you take care of yourself. Get lots of rest because we can become very tired and forget that our bodies need sleep, care and healthy nutrition.

Try to carry on with the things you like to do. Some things people have said helped them were; taking walks, writing a poem, starting a diary or journal, praying, reading a good book, playing or watching games, doing crafts and hobbies, riding their bike, going to the gym, joining a church group or listen to relaxing or comforting music. Don’t forget how to laugh too because it will make you feel better and help reduce your tension and anxiety. Watch funny movies or shows, do relaxation techniques visualizing yourself in a happy and comfortable place to give yourself some time where you are content and at peace. Find a person to talk to and listen to you. It really helps to release all those emotions and all that pressure inside of you.

 Above all remember to love yourself, allow yourself to cry, to be angry and experience the love you held for the person who is gone.

Something really bad happened to me

Q: Something really bad happened to me and I feel awful inside. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and dirty all over.

A: The first thing I would ask that you do is to tell someone what happened that you know you can trust like a teacher, a parent or a relative. No one has the right to hurt you, or make you hurt others. No one has the right to touch you or have you touch them in an inappropriate way. No one has the right to take advantage of you by making you do inappropriate things. Please always remember, that no matter how bad it was, You did nothing wrong! I know you may feel embarrassed and uncomfortable talking about it but an adult that you know you can trust will know it was not your fault and they will help you. If you feel very scared telling someone in person please call or go on-line to the Kids Help Phone which is in my links listing or go to another organization in your area. They will listen to you, they will know it’s not your fault and they will help you.

Digging into the roots of the situation:

                Usually we are with someone because we trust them or you are put in their care because a parent or guardian trusted them. But if someone you trusted or someone you didn’t know forced you to do something or did something to you that was inappropriate, it can make you feel like you can’t trust anyone anymore. Trust is something that is earned because you have developed confidence over time by your experience, or were told by someone else, that a certain person can be depended on to be nice and to do what is right and good. But once that faith is undone or gone, we may not trust anyone for a long time. It’s ok to feel that way. It may be that much of what you feel inside is the sadness over being hurt so badly by someone you trusted.

When bad things happen to us that make us feel very uncomfortable because we know it’s wrong or we think it’s wrong, we can become very upset and confused inside. It can be difficult to understand what happened, why it happened and we may not even understand how we should feel. Sometimes we don’t know what happened was wrong until after it was over. If what happened was really bad, all that anger, confusion, sadness, disgust and fear builds up inside of you like a balloon ready to bust.  Except the balloon doesn’t seem to burst, it just stays locked up inside and it can really hurt us, like we’re screaming to let it out.

                I know that you have a lot of pain inside of you. It’s difficult for anyone who has experienced a horrible event to feel better, but you need to know that you will feel better. I won’t lie to you, it will take time to feel better and you won’t forget what happened but you can heal and feel better inside. The best way to start the healing is to talk to someone and let them help you.

Transformation- What Action can we take: The first thing we need to do is to make sure the person does not hurt you again and that you are safe. Secondly it seems reasonable that you will want to feel better inside. Thirdly, you need to be able to trust again. Although I know it may take a long time and maybe you will never trust completely again, you need to know there are a lot of good people out there who care about you and can be trusted.

                The first step to making sure your safe is to tell an adult you know you can trust or call the helpline. They will make sure you are safe and the person who has done this to you cannot do it again. To feel better, you need to let someone help you, talk to you about it and let all that pressure out of your balloon. As you talk to trusted people you will find that slowly you will begin to experience some of that trust that you had before. The pain inside of you will get less but probably not go away completely. Kind of like a scar after you have cut yourself. The pain will stop but the scar will be there for a long time. Remember that you are a good person, many people love and care about you, and the world has many good people in it that you can trust. Start with someone you know you can trust and take tiny steps from there.

They walk by me like I’m not there

Q: My dad is drunk all the time and mom is never home. They walk by me like I’m not there. They don’t talk to me or care about me. I don’t feel loved anymore.

A: The first thing I want to make sure we are clear about is that this is not your fault. Secondly, I want you to know that you are loved and cared about. Simply by reaching out as you have, you have opened your world into a larger one where there are lots of people who now know you and care about you.

Finding the Roots of the situation:

Relationships are always difficult to handle especially when things are not going well. I know from speaking with others and from my own experience as a youth, our mothers and fathers were our whole world. We rely on them to feed us, protect us and guide us and we put our trust in them to take care of us. When parents withdraw attention from their children or ignore them and leave them on their own, our feelings of security, love, support and guidance for living life fades away, leaving us feeling abandoned and unsure of where we fit in.

Parents generally love their children and care for them as best they can but parents, like everyone else, have problems in life. The way they grew up, the things they have experienced in their past, and the decisions they made along the way have created the person you see in front of you today. Everyone, including you, are molded and shaped into who they are by past experiences, their daily surroundings and routines at home, and the traditions and way of life of their neighborhood or city.

                Parents are not perfect and they make mistakes. Sometimes they make lots of mistakes that seem to never end. Everyone struggles to live their lives and make sense of the world but we don’t always do things the right way. Sometimes we make bad choices and sometimes we are forced to accept bad choices. Sometimes people can lose sight of what is important and become too focused on themselves while trying to deal with their problems. Sometimes their problems may seem overwhelming to them and can have difficulty handling everything. When they do that, they sort of block out other things or put up invisible walls and forget about other people or concerns. Your parents may be like that. Perhaps they are feeling lonely and unloved by their relatives and friends too. Everyone deals with their problems in different ways and some choices turn into bad habits which are hard to stop after a while.

Transformation- What Action can we take:

One thing you might try is simply telling your parents how you feel, that you miss spending time with them and feel lonely. Perhaps they assume you are ok and don’t know how your feeling. Perhaps it has become a habit for them of having those invisible walls up or blocking others out they forgot they are doing it.

Perhaps you might ask your parents to do things with you, like go for a walk or play  a game with you. Perhaps you can ask to go with them when they have things to do. You can really get to know someone by spending even short times together, especially if they are busy and don’t seem to have much spare time. You may not be able to do a lot of things with your parents and they may only have a few minutes here and there to spend with you. It may also take time to get them to used to doing new things with you, but keep trying.

Our parent’s attention is so important, especially when we are young and unable to live on our own, that we can feel as if we are alone in the world when its missing. I promise you that you are not alone even though it may feel that way. You might find that when you’re busy doing things and spending time with other people the world seems a little smaller and you realize there are lots of people who know you and care about you. 

Try spending more time with friends or relatives who you can talk to and get to know better. Maybe get involved in sports or other activities in your school or neighborhood organizations and meet new people. Many young people volunteer the hospitals or other organizations where their help is greatly appreciated and they meet all sorts of nice people. Sometimes we think that meeting new people is hard and can be a little scary. But I have found that once you meet someone and get to know them they become really familiar and comfortable to be with. There are lots of people who are my friends who don’t know it yet simply because I haven’t met them yet! The difference between a stranger and a very close friend is simply getting to know them. Give it a try!

One last thing. If for some reason things get really bad at home and you feel really down or you are in physical danger, there are lots of excellent services who have people who will speak to you immediately and are available 24 hrs a day on the phone or online. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with someone because there are a lot of people who you may not know that really do care about you. There are some of those places listed in my “Links”.

Why Am I So Angry

Q: I get so angry all the time and I can’t seem to stop. People tell me I’m out of control.

A: Anger is a difficult thing for everyone. Anger is a reaction to something that’s happened which seems wrong or different from the way we think things should be compared to the things we believe, what we assume to be true or right and what we value or think are important. What I mean is that when something goes against our way of thinking we disagree in our minds. Depending on how important it is to us and how we feel about it, we might ignore it, be mildly annoyed, become visibly upset or burst out in extreme anger. Sometimes we feel embarrassed because we acted automatically and didn’t really think about what we were doing. Other times we are very certain of our anger. What is the cause? Where do you think your anger comes from? What are its roots? Spend some time and think about it for me.

We must also remember that we have all sorts of emotions that come from inside of us. Therefore we can have many reactions to our experiences such as sadness, low self esteem, happiness, disappointment or surprise. Anger is only one of the many reactions we can decide to use or that may develop in us from any given situation.

                So now we need to address the action part of our conversation. What’s to be done about our anger? The first thing that comes to my mind is to remind you that only you can create an emotion inside of you. I know that sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but generally, you have control over what you allow your body and mind to do. For example if someone hits us, we can hit back, cry, run away, do nothing, get angry etc. We can make a choice in what action we take and how we choose to see it in our minds.

As we have talked about, our anger comes from the way we look at our experiences and sometimes we don’t think about what we do because it is so automatic. Therefore I’m asking you to take a look at your emotions and ask yourself why you are angry and see if you can discover where it comes from. If you can do that, you may still be angry but it will no longer be automatic. You may stop and think about it before you act next time.

 If you are getting angry all the time and you seem to be “out of control” your view of how things should be and the way you are experiencing them must be different quite often. Perhaps you can express why your angry and let people know. Maybe you have a really good reason for being angry but no one else knows why you’re angry. Maybe you’re angry about something that you are mistaken about. Maybe by talking about it, the truth can come out, understanding may result, and the reason for the anger may stop.

                I encourage you to look at what is causing your anger, try talking about it with others, and try to understand the situation from their eyes. Just remember that the other person has their own way of seeing the world and it may be different than yours. But that’s okay

 It’s ok to be different!

My Dad Says I'm Useless

Q: My dad says I’m useless and just a waste of space. Why do I feel like he is right?

A: First let me start by saying everyone has a purpose on this earth and every human being is valuable. When your dad talks about you like that, what do you think he is referring to? He seems to have an opinion on what he values as being useful. He, like everyone else, has his own set of values and assumptions about the world based on his experiences which he acts on and talks about. When he speaks to you in such a negative way and he is able to convince you of his negative opinion, he changes your beliefs of what is good and your self-worth. If you experience this negative verbal abuse over and over again, soon these negative experiences you base your values and beliefs on become automatic and you act on them showing the world that internal negative self worth you have developed.

However, I know that every person has worth, has value and their own unique qualities to offer the world. Another person’s beliefs and verbal attacks can never remove this truth. When you talk about your self-worth you are talking about your Self-esteem. You start an internal voice that tells you what you think of yourself. If you are always telling yourself that you are not useful, not smart, not this or not that, soon your unconscious mind begins to believe these negative things and you behave in ways that imitate those beliefs. What you feel about yourself is not the result of your actions but rather a result of your thoughts. Perhaps you are not the best at certain things – no one is good at everything! Perhaps the skills and values your dad holds over you are not your best strengths. Perhaps your dad’s opinion is wrong or he is judging you unfairly. In any case if you feel like he is right, it’s because you are allowing yourself to feel that way due to your experiences and feedback from your father.

Ok so how do we take action to change this feeling of low self esteem and negative thoughts. Well to start, you can begin by doing things that you are good at and can be proud of yourself for doing them. They don’t have to be big things, just little tasks like being a friend, or being good at one thing at school or even having a nice hair style. Surround yourself with positive things, positive thoughts, and positive outcomes. If you are always surrounded by negativity yourself thoughts will be negative as well so turn it around. When you hear a negative thing about yourself immediately thinking of something positive to neutralize it. Then think of another one to make yourself feel positive again. Only you can make yourself feel less worthy than you really are. I can tell you with confidence that everyone, including you is important and has value.