What is Emotional Child Abuse?

Emotional Child Abuse

Physical child abuse seems easier to identify because typically there are observable actions and consequences. However, when we speak of emotional abuse and its resulting psychological damage, the abuser’s actions and the consequences to the abused are much harder to realize. Emotional abuse is the most challenging form of child maltreatment to identify, substantiate and STOP. In far too many cases it goes unreported. Yet, emotional abuse leaves deep, hidden scars that can impede a child’s intellectual, social and emotional development for the rest of their lives. Actual physical injury is often required before the authorities can step in and assist a child. Also, the effects of abuse are very similar to symptoms of many childhood mental and physical disorders, which makes identifying emotionally abused children difficult.

What do we mean by emotional child abuse? There is no universal definition of emotional child abuse but it can generally be defined as a systematic or constant attack of a child that negatively affects their well-being and sense of self-worth which could cause serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders. The child receives continuous negative messages and are regularly threatened, yelled at, humiliated, ignored, blamed or emotionally mistreated and interfere with their ability to function adequately in society, succeed academically and form healthy, intimate relationships. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control.

Emotional abuse can be any type of inappropriate behavior that affects a child's mental and social health and makes the child feel terrible inside. While emotional abuse doesn't necessarily involve physical pain or sexual acts, the effects of emotional abuse can hurt far worse, and cause a lifetime of physical and psychological problems.

 All abuse contains elements of emotional abuse. Although it can be present on its own, it is always present during all forms of abuse including physical and sexual abuse. Regardless of the abuse type it always carries with it psychological consequences. Emotional abuse follows a repeated and continuous pattern and without intervention will only get worse over time.

Young children are like sponges learning to use their bodies and their brains as quickly as they can but unrealistic expectations only end in frustration, anger, and emotional scarring.

The child is shaped by the parent and other trusted adults and learns that actions have consequences. However when the consequences set out by the caregiver are inconsistent and inappropriate the child learns that these inappropriate consequences are normal and expected it affects them throughout their life. When parents or caregivers bombard a child with constant negative, demeaning and callous actions and communication, the child grows up with an unhealthy and unprepared sense of normal social interaction. Children need to feel safe and loved in order to explore the world around them and in order to learn to form healthy relationships. When children experience cruelty from their caretakers, the world ceases to make sense for them, and all areas of learning are affected - social, emotional, and intellectual development are hindered.

Sometimes we unintentionally inflict emotional abuse simply due to a lack of knowing what to do so we blurt out, “What, are you stupid or something”, “You never listen”, “Why don’t you watch what you’re doing”, “You are so irresponsible?” We speak out in anger or in emotional frustration over and over again. We all make mistakes from time to time but if we constantly belittle our children from our privileged position of power as a parent, soon the child comes to believe they are less of a person and grow to be that lesser person. We may feel love and nurturing inside but not see that the way we behave and interact outwardly with our children as stress and frustration appear as abusive and condescending language or punishment.

Parents engage in emotional abuse if stresses in their lives build up or if they are unable to manage these stresses. Problems that can contribute to family stress and then to abuse are unemployment, poverty, isolation from relatives and friends, divorce, death, immature parents, health crises like illness of a family member, disability of a family member, drug and alcohol abuse within the family, and mental health problems like mental disability and depression.

Many of the most well meaning parents and caregivers, may scream, shout, demand and sometimes hit our children seeking obedience and yet we fail to see its devastating mental effects. Many, if not all parents struggle to do the right thing as a parent and sometimes the stress of the day overcome us. There are some consequences that are appropriate like limited video gaming, or reduced television watching. However unacceptable punishment or consequences for real, perceived or possible for no reason at all include those things that emotionally frighten or scar a child. Extreme forms of punishment such as confining them to a dark closet, leaving them alone and in danger, physically restraining them or being tied up, leaving them alone and isolated for long periods are not physically damaging but leave deep pain and scars that are hard to see on the surface.  Additionally children suffering from emotional abuse are often extremely loyal to the parent, afraid of being punished if they report abuse, or think that this type of abuse is a normal way of life. Many children think they are punished because they deserve it. Parents and caregivers hold so much power!

Many behaviors of an emotionally abused child can also be seen in normal children but a change in patterns or behaviors is a strong indication of emotion abuse

WHAT DOES AN EMOTIONALLY DISCONNECTED PARENT LOOK LIKE?

·         Unreasonably Criticizes or puts down child and devalues their self-image

·         Calls child names

·         Devalues the child and their thoughts and feelings

·         Neglecting or ignoring the health or educational needs of the child

·         Demands respect while Repeated showing none to child

·         Putting excessive demands on a child's performance

·         Penalizing a child for positive, normal behavior and self-esteem

·         Discouraging interpersonal skills needed for adequate performance in school and peer groups.

·         Belittling

·         Continuous discipline for almost all behavior

·         Purposely ignores the child,

·         Doesn't express affection or love

·         Rigid and/or unrealistic expectations

·         The focus of blame for all family problems.

·         Shows dislike for the child

·         Rejects child and discourages attachment because parent is not willing or not able to provide affection or stimulation

·         Indifferent to child's problems

·         Restricting contact with others, limiting their freedom

·         Force into seclusion-stay in their room, closet, basement or attic for long periods of time

·         Insulting, Teasing or uses demeaning jokes to humiliate them

·         Shows preferential treatment among siblings

·         Negatively describes or compares child to others

·         Gives extreme punishment

·         Uses threats, threats of fear, or physical pain,

·         Frequently exposing children to family violence

·         Threatening to hurt, torture or kill a pet, a loved one or the child.

·         Threatening abandonment

·         Corrupting the child by giving alcohol, drugs, showing them pornographic materials, exposing them to cruelty toward animals or other human beings.

·         Tolerating or encouraging inappropriate or deviant behaviour,

·         Consider the child as a servant, or encouraging and coercing them to participate in sexual acts.

·         Exploiting them by involving them in stealing, assaulting, drug dealing or prostitution.

PARENT OR CAREGIVER PROBLEMS

·         poor impulse control

·         low tolerance for frustration

·         immature

·         mental health problems

·         alcohol or drug abuse

These attacks slowly eat away at a child’s emotional stability and self-esteem resulting in depression, lack of attachment or emotional bond to a parent or guardian, delayed/low cognitive ability and educational achievement and poor social skills. Our physical wounds and scars will heal eventually but emotional scaring and damage can last throughout a person’s lifetime. Emotional child abuse is easily overlooked and both the actions of the abuser and the effects on the abused can be hidden behind many behavioral labels and justifications.

PSYCHOLOGICAL SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSED CHILD

·         no self-confidence

·         unusual fears

·         clingy

·         extreme dependence

·         withdrawn

·         depressed

·         Low self-esteem and lack of self confidence

·         severe anxiety

·         difficulty forming relationships

·         agressive or passive-agressive

·         overly passive or compliant

·         obsessive-compulsive

·         self-destructive/cruel/suicidal thoughts

·         avoiding eye contact

·         fearfulness

·         emotional unstable

·         sleep disturbances

·         has feelings of shame

·         self-blame and self-depreciation

OUTWARD PHYSICAL SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSED CHILD?

·         Difficulties in school and school work

·         Inappropriate behavior for age or development

·         Alcohol or drug abuse

·         Underachievement at school or other activities

·         inability to trust

·         Stealing

·         Other types of abuse are present or suspected

·         Eating disorders, with weight loss or undernourished development

·         Rebellious or destructive behaviour

·         Sleep disorders or frequent nightmares

·         Unusual fears such as fear of going home; being left alone; fear of certain objects

·         Vague physical complaints

·         Uncooperativeness or Aggressive

·         Difficulty with relationships or poor relationships with peers

·         Antisocial behavior - being constantly withdrawn and sad or alienation

·         Personality disorders

·         Bedwetting or loss of bowel control (after a child has been trained)

·         Neediness and clinginess

·         Alcohol or drug abuse

·         Unwanted pregnancy

·         Suicide attempts or discussion

·         Frequent crying

·         Delays or refuses of medical treatment

·         Physical discomfort or nervousness around certain people

·         Prostitution

·         Criminal behavior

·         Abusing others

What can you do if emotional abuse is suspected?

·         Report suspected or known child abuse or neglect to a child welfare agency or the police

·         Keep informed of resources and materials relating to emotional abuse.

·         Be available to the child.

·         Listen to the child.

·         Believe the child

·         Support the child

·         Tell the child that they are not alone.

·         Let the child know that the emotional abuse is not the child's fault.

·         Be positive, consistent and predictable.

·         Let the person know about available support services

What can you do if your being abused?

·         You might feel trapped, like there’s nowhere to turn and no one you can trust but

o    Remember that you don’t have to handle this alone

·         Not getting the love or care you deserve can change the way you think

o    You do not deserve to feel bad.

·         Nothing that you can do is punishable by abuse. No one ever deserves to be abused

o    It is not your fault;

·         it’s important to tell someone because you need help to make it better

o    Talk to someone about it.

·         Who can you tell?

o    A relative

o    A friend’s parent:

o    A teacher, coach, principal

o    An adult from a church or other place of worship, community centre, or club

·         If someone you tell doesn’t want to get involved, you need to tell someone else. Don’t wait for things to get better on their own.

o     

·         It takes a lot of courage to talk about this, so take your time. Until you are ready to talk stay safe

Remember that children are our most cherished treasure but they are also a treasure that can be changed and molded as a product of their environment. As parents and caregivers we have been given the unimaginable gift of their lives entrusted to our care, but also we also have the enormous responsibility of that care. As in almost every other life form on this planet our offspring need love, nurturing and care to grow and mature into the best that they can be. The power we hold over our young is incredible and we must ensure that our care is positive and promotes growth and well being. As human beings, every experience and thought we have affects our perceptions, our beliefs, our assumptions about the world and creates the person that we are as wells as the pathways we will choose based on those experiences.  Therefore parents and caregivers hold an incredible power that can significantly affect the children we interact with and this is something we must never take for granted or lose sight of.

The gift of life is such a precious thing and we must not allow those lives to grow untended or in negative circumstances.  Please give our children a chance and shower them with love and attention!