People say bad and cruel things to me, push me or hit me.

Q: Some people at school say bad and cruel things to me. Sometimes they hit me or push me. I feel depressed, alone and unwanted.

A: I know that when hurtful things are said or done to you, it can make you feel awfully bad. When it continues for a long time it can really make you feel sad, depressed and even suicidal.

                Please know that you do not have to feel alone. There are lots of people who care about you and will help you, if you are willing and reach out to someone you trust. Tell someone like a parent, your friend, a neighbour or even a stranger that you trust, such as a religious leader, teacher, the Kids Help phone, the Distress Center crisis lines or someone in a community organization. You will find lots of people who care (see my links). I assure you, that you don’t have to be alone in this! There are a lot of people who you can talk to right now!

How Does Bullying Make People Feel?

Bullying can make you feel scared all the time. It can make you feel sick and not wanting to go to school or to other social activities making you become withdrawn, alone and lonely to avoid being tormented. Being so distracted by this bullying, your schoolwork, learning and memory may suffer. You may have trouble sleeping because of worry, anxiety or nightmares or you might sleep too much because you’re exhausted from all of the mental anguish. You may become prone to panic attacks, depression, low self-esteem from being humiliated, embarrassed, and picked on.

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Let’s try to understand this.

What is Bullying?

People who bully are learning to use power and aggression to control and cause pain and distress to others. What hurts the most is that they don’t stop. Bullies are often persistent, and continue to hurt others over and over again for long time which seeks to create a constant fear and helplessness in their victims.

There are many forms of bullying. There is Physical bullying like hitting, kicking, shoving, stealing your stuff or even damaging your things; Verbal bullying is calling you names, insulting you, making fun of you, to tease you, humiliate you or threaten you, using talk that is racist, sexual, religious, cultural or about a disability; Social bullying are things like being ignored, being excluded from groups or activities, gossiping or spreading rumours or lies, setting others up to look foolish, and damaging friendships; Cyber bullying are things like using of email, cell phones, text messages, and internet sites to threaten, harass, embarrass, trick you to reveal personal information, pretending to be someone else to trick you, socially exclude, or damage reputations and friendships or send humiliating pictures, some even set up social network pages to write about people.

Why does someone pick on you?

A person wants to bully another person to make them feel bad.  When they do this they feel they gain power over that person. Power makes people feel like they're better than another person, which makes them feel good about themselves. Power also makes you stand out from the crowd so it's a way for the bully to get attention from others. Peer pressure is also a powerful thing because people like to join in with what that their friends are doing to fit in, or feel like they are part of a group even if they don’t necessarily agree with what’s going on.

Two main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance or their social status.

There are many things bullies use as excuses to bully such as the victims being a different size, a minority;  your gender, race, culture, religion or something that makes you stand out. Bullies pick on the people they think don't fit in because they are outside the main group and believe they are easier targets. It might be because of how they look, how they act such as people who are shy and withdrawn, or if they think someone may be a gay or lesbian person. It could be that they get anxious or upset easily, or they don’t have too many friends and are usually alone. It could be that they don't have a lot of confidence and don't seem to stand up for themselves. Sometimes it might be just a single thing that happened, like an embarrassing moment when people were watching or there may be no reason at all. Maybe you were in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone was feeling particularly mean.

Bystanders can often be of little help in stopping the bully because they are afraid they could be the next victim. Even if they feel badly for the person being bullied, they often avoid getting involved in order to protect themselves or because they don’t know what to do.

What can you do?

If you're being bullied again and again the Most Important Thing you should do is to talk to someone. It can be an adult or anyone else you trust, but talk to someone and let them know. Sometimes you may feel you old enough to deal with things without telling another “Adult”. That’s ok, but tell someone you trust. Don’t be alone in this because you really don’t have to be. Bullying is wrong and it can be stopped.

                If bullying starts to lead to physical danger or might in the near future, it is really important that you report it to an adult or other authority. Its gone way too far by then. A lot of high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks were not reported giving the bully license to become more and more violent. Don’t be silent about being bullied! The best place to start is usually with your parents. If you feel you can't tell your parents or you don’t want to, talk to another adult you trust like a teacher, principal, school counsellor, or someone at your religious place of worship.

If you don't want to talk to someone alone, bring a friend, sibling, or parent. It especially helps if a person who has seen the bullying comes with you.

Now that you've spoken to someone about the problem, there are lots of things you can do to prevent future bullying.

Ø  Don't walk alone. Travel with at least one other person whenever you can.

Ø  Avoid places where bullying happens. Take a different route to and from school or activities. Leave a little earlier or later to avoid the bully.

Ø  When you are confronted -Ignore the bully and walk away. Run if necessary. Remove yourself from the situation. Go to a place where an adult or other people you trust are present. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you're telling the bully that you just don't care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.

Ø  Try not to cry, get angry, or show that you're upset. It easy to get upset but that's what they want you to do. They want to know they have control over you. Try not to let them have that control.

Ø  Respond to the bully confidently and firmly. You are a good person who deserves respect. Hold your head up, stand proud, and look them in the eye. Be proud of your differences and don’t be ashamed of an illness or disability. They may say mean things to you but that can never take away from the good person you are. They are only words.

Ø  Don't get physical. Because you never know what they will do and you could hurt or in trouble. You can stand up for yourself without getting violent or getting into a fight. Be assertive or walk away and allow yourself to be in control of the situation with your actions. Being aggressive usually just leads to more bullying and greater violence.

Ø  Practice confidence. Practice ways to confidently respond to the bully in your actions and your words. Practice feeling good about yourself!

Ø  Take back your life. You can't control other people's words or actions, but you can focus on caring for yourself. Spend time with your friends or join a new after-hours class, a social club, or gym and meet new friends. The world is a big place and it is full of wonderful and friendly people. Have fun and enjoy life. Don’t let someone else have control over your life.

Ø  Most Importantly - Talk about it. Talk to a guidance counsellor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.