I feel ugly, no one likes me, I don’t have any friends and I’m not very smart

Q: I feel ugly, no one likes me, I don’t have any friends and I’m not very smart or athletic. I want to be popular like other people but I don’t think I’m good enough to be like them. I don’t like how that feels.

A: Everyone is special and everyone has amazing talents and skills- there are no exceptions! The problem is that not everyone believes it or hasn’t yet developed those unique talents that are still hidden inside them and causes them to feel empty and inferior. I assure you they are there but you have to believe in yourself.

What we’re talking about here is called self esteem. We develop a mental picture of ourselves called our Self-mage about who we are, how we look, what we're good at, and what our weaknesses might be from a young age. A lot of our self-image is based on interactions we have with other people and our life experiences. This self-image we create for ourselves determines our self-esteem. Self-esteem is all about how much we believe we are valued, loved, and accepted by others as well as how much we value, love, and accept ourselves. People with healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities, skills, and accomplishments. People with low self-esteem may feel as if no one likes them or accepts them or that they can't do anything well.

Our self-esteem is especially vulnerable when someone, whose approval is important to us, like a parent, teacher or someone you admire, constantly puts you down. This criticism can also come from a voice inside us which sometimes seems to find fault with everything we do. Sometimes that voice also unintentionally repeats the hurtful or negative words of a critical parent, teacher or someone else whose opinion is important to you and you hear it in your head over and over. After a while it can hurt your self-esteem just as much as if there were talking right to you. Sometimes we can get so used to listening to that inner voice that we don't even notice how many negative things we say to ourselves.

People create an image of who they want to be or think they should be and forget to appreciate the person they really are. For example, you may admire athletic skills of others but you’re real talent is still undiscovered at being really good at art. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to work on athletic skills and try to improve if you like doing that activity it, but it’s important to remember that you can’t be good at everything. Be proud of the things you are good at, accept there are things you’re not so good at, and continue to work at things you want to improve on. Sometimes it just takes a little time to find those things we really like to do and get good at them. Don’t be discouraged, getting good at something usually takes a lot of practice.

What are some of the causes of low self esteem?: Low self esteem means not feeling good about yourself or your abilities and believing that you don’t measure up to certain standards. Sometimes you might have good self-esteem but then something happens and changes it. Perhaps you moved and didn’t make friends at a new school, or maybe your parents divorced and you feel unlovable or to blame. You may feel too fat or too thin and start thinking badly of yourself. You may be dealing with an illness, like cancer, diabetes, or asthma, and feel different and less confident than before. You may be going through the body changes of puberty, which everybody does, and it is affecting how you feel about yourself. Perhaps you are picked on because of your skin color or culture and you feel isolated and alone. As we get older our self esteem gets attacked from many sources and it can be hard sometimes to stay positive. If you want to increase your self-esteem you need to challenge and change those negative thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself.

What is good self-esteem? It is not bragging about how great you are. Rather, it means to have a positive view of yourself, a good sense of self-worth, having a optimistic outlook, feeling satisfied with yourself most of the time and knowing and believing that you are a unique and special person worthy of being loved and accepted like everyone else. It's not about thinking you're perfect, because nobody’s perfect but it’s holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself and your abilities. It’s the courage to try new things and the power to believe in yourself. It’s respecting yourself, even when you make mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes. That’s how we all learn and grow as a person.

What can you do?

Ø  Make a list of the stuff you're good at and several things that you like about yourself.  Keep working on those skills or talents and good things about you. When you feel negative, take a look at your list of positive things about you.  

Ø  Give yourself three compliments every day. Don't just say I'm great. Be specific about the good things about yourself, or things that really made you happy.

Ø  No matter what shape, size, color, culture, gender or sexual orientation; Be proud of who you are. You ARE an awesome person. Believe in yourself!

Ø  Try to stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. When you do this, you take the power away from the voice inside that discourages you. When you catch yourself talking negative to yourself replace them with positive thoughts

Ø  Self-esteem requires accepting responsibility for your own happiness. You are a product of the choices you make and the beliefs you choose to accept in describing yourself. Pick positive beliefs.

Ø  Work towards accomplishment rather than perfection. Few things in life are perfect. Enjoy the journey and your achievements along the way.

Ø  View mistakes as learning opportunities and not as a defect. Accept that you will make mistakes because everyone does. Mistakes are part of learning.

Ø  Be brave, be confident and try new things, new activities, opportunities and adventures. Take pride in your new accomplishments and skills. It really does build confidence.

Ø  Identify people who encourage negative thoughts, beliefs and opinions and choose to be around positive people. Positive people create positive feelings and negative people create negative feelings.

Ø  Acknowledge your positive qualities and things you are good at. If you think about it for a while you can find lots of them.

Ø  Be helpful and considerate to others. Being friendly creates friendships.

Ø  Engage in work and hobbies that you enjoy and have fun! Spending time with the people you care about and friends who care about you doing the things you love.

SO…

Ø  Recognize things you can't change. Accept and love those things about yourself like skin color, gender, shoe size, height and family history because they are part of you. Take pride in your family's heritage and learn more about it. If it's something you can't change, then start to work toward loving yourself the way you are and find strengths in those features.

Ø  Recognize what you can change. If you realize that you're unhappy with something about yourself that you can change, then start today and make that change.

Ø  Decide what you can and can’t control. Change and act on the things that are in your control and release the things that are out of your control.

Ø  Identify your unique strengths and abilities and plan to build on them.

Ø  Don’t let others define who you are. Set goals but remember that you are distinct so pursue your own dreams not someone else’s.

Ø  Set goals. Think about what you'd like to accomplish, and then make a plan for how to do it. Stick with your plan and keep track of your progress until you accomplish your goals

Ø  Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes and with every experience we learn from it. Success is often a string of failed attempts on the way to getting it right.

Ø  Take pride in your opinions and ideas. Don't be afraid to voice them. Not every idea or opinion will be popular but that’s okay. The more you make your voice heard and receive feedback, the more you will understand that subject and become knowledgeable about it. It’s your opinion and you have every right to have it.

Ø  Be Assertive: That doesn’t mean you should be aggressive or difficult, but to value yourself and communicate with other with mutual respect. Begin to say no confidently and calmly to unreasonable requests, or tell people your opinions, feelings, or ideas.

Ø  A small success can bring big feelings of confidence. Every step counts so take one step at a time in a positive direction, and your self-esteem will grow and grow. Self-esteem builds on itself so that your successes nourish your self-esteem, which motivates you to take on other goals.

Ø  Write down your experiences in a diary or journal and reflect on them. Look at the situation and try to find a way you could have handled the situation better that had a positive outcome and would not affect your self esteem.  

Ø  Build a support system of people including family and friends and community leaders that you can talk to and lean on for support.

Ø  Take care of yourself in body, mind and spirit. Exercise, sleep and healthy eating go a long way to making you feel good.  Exercise is a great stress reliever and it will make you feel healthier and happier. Really!

Ø  Accept compliments. You ARE an awesome person. Believe in yourself!