My parents are getting a divorce. What does that mean to me?

Q: My parents have been fighting like crazy and now they tell me they are getting a divorce. What does that mean for me?

A: The quick answer is that it will cause some confusion in your life but you need to remember that your mother and father love you and their break up is not your fault.

                When parents feel that they can no longer live together, very often there is anger, arguments, yelling, name calling and often a lot of silence and loneliness in the house. This can be extremely difficult for the children who are the innocent victims of a break up. You may feel a variety of different emotions. You may feel sad because they are breaking up, angry that one of them may have done something wrong, or anxiety about what life will be like in the future. You may wonder where you will live, who you will live with and what that life will look like. This can be very overwhelming for anyone.

Sometimes parents will try to convince you that the other parent is bad or has done something wrong and try to get you on “their side”. They shouldn’t try to split your love between mother and father, but, don’t be afraid to ask questions and understand what is happening either. Parents make mistakes and they can say things sometimes that they don’t really mean. Asking questions can clarify what your parents really mean and help you to understand what is happening. You might not want to hear all the gory details, and that is probably best, but you also don’t want to be out of the picture and not know anything about what’s happening. Remember your parents love you but in a breakup or divorce they may be distracted with all that is going on. Remind them you are there and you want to be part of their lives.

It is also important not to hold in your feelings. Talk to your friends, or relatives and brothers and sisters about how you feel. Perhaps you know someone who has already experienced a breakup or divorce and you are able to talk to them to help you understand some of the things that are going on now and what you might expect in the future. They may also be able to give you some guidance as to what worked for them to get them through this difficult time. Most of all, they will understand what you’re going through.

Once a divorce or separate occurs there may be other people who show up around the house. Parents may date other people or start hanging out with people you have never met before. Although it is natural for your parents to want to move on with their life, it can be difficult for you to handle. When a mother or father brings home another partner it can really stir up conflicting feelings inside of you.

It is important to remember that your mother and father are always your mother and father and they will always love you. As they find new love in another partner you may find that their attention seems to be more towards their new partner and less towards you. At those times, let them know how you feel. Tell them you miss them and want to spend time with them. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own lives that we forget who we care about and forget to show them we love them. It is important for both parents and children to be open with their feelings, care about each other and tell each other you love each other as often as you can!