What is Emotional Child Abuse?

Emotional Child Abuse

Physical child abuse seems easier to identify because typically there are observable actions and consequences. However, when we speak of emotional abuse and its resulting psychological damage, the abuser’s actions and the consequences to the abused are much harder to realize. Emotional abuse is the most challenging form of child maltreatment to identify, substantiate and STOP. In far too many cases it goes unreported. Yet, emotional abuse leaves deep, hidden scars that can impede a child’s intellectual, social and emotional development for the rest of their lives. Actual physical injury is often required before the authorities can step in and assist a child. Also, the effects of abuse are very similar to symptoms of many childhood mental and physical disorders, which makes identifying emotionally abused children difficult.

What do we mean by emotional child abuse? There is no universal definition of emotional child abuse but it can generally be defined as a systematic or constant attack of a child that negatively affects their well-being and sense of self-worth which could cause serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders. The child receives continuous negative messages and are regularly threatened, yelled at, humiliated, ignored, blamed or emotionally mistreated and interfere with their ability to function adequately in society, succeed academically and form healthy, intimate relationships. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control.

Emotional abuse can be any type of inappropriate behavior that affects a child's mental and social health and makes the child feel terrible inside. While emotional abuse doesn't necessarily involve physical pain or sexual acts, the effects of emotional abuse can hurt far worse, and cause a lifetime of physical and psychological problems.

 All abuse contains elements of emotional abuse. Although it can be present on its own, it is always present during all forms of abuse including physical and sexual abuse. Regardless of the abuse type it always carries with it psychological consequences. Emotional abuse follows a repeated and continuous pattern and without intervention will only get worse over time.

Young children are like sponges learning to use their bodies and their brains as quickly as they can but unrealistic expectations only end in frustration, anger, and emotional scarring.

The child is shaped by the parent and other trusted adults and learns that actions have consequences. However when the consequences set out by the caregiver are inconsistent and inappropriate the child learns that these inappropriate consequences are normal and expected it affects them throughout their life. When parents or caregivers bombard a child with constant negative, demeaning and callous actions and communication, the child grows up with an unhealthy and unprepared sense of normal social interaction. Children need to feel safe and loved in order to explore the world around them and in order to learn to form healthy relationships. When children experience cruelty from their caretakers, the world ceases to make sense for them, and all areas of learning are affected - social, emotional, and intellectual development are hindered.

Sometimes we unintentionally inflict emotional abuse simply due to a lack of knowing what to do so we blurt out, “What, are you stupid or something”, “You never listen”, “Why don’t you watch what you’re doing”, “You are so irresponsible?” We speak out in anger or in emotional frustration over and over again. We all make mistakes from time to time but if we constantly belittle our children from our privileged position of power as a parent, soon the child comes to believe they are less of a person and grow to be that lesser person. We may feel love and nurturing inside but not see that the way we behave and interact outwardly with our children as stress and frustration appear as abusive and condescending language or punishment.

Parents engage in emotional abuse if stresses in their lives build up or if they are unable to manage these stresses. Problems that can contribute to family stress and then to abuse are unemployment, poverty, isolation from relatives and friends, divorce, death, immature parents, health crises like illness of a family member, disability of a family member, drug and alcohol abuse within the family, and mental health problems like mental disability and depression.

Many of the most well meaning parents and caregivers, may scream, shout, demand and sometimes hit our children seeking obedience and yet we fail to see its devastating mental effects. Many, if not all parents struggle to do the right thing as a parent and sometimes the stress of the day overcome us. There are some consequences that are appropriate like limited video gaming, or reduced television watching. However unacceptable punishment or consequences for real, perceived or possible for no reason at all include those things that emotionally frighten or scar a child. Extreme forms of punishment such as confining them to a dark closet, leaving them alone and in danger, physically restraining them or being tied up, leaving them alone and isolated for long periods are not physically damaging but leave deep pain and scars that are hard to see on the surface.  Additionally children suffering from emotional abuse are often extremely loyal to the parent, afraid of being punished if they report abuse, or think that this type of abuse is a normal way of life. Many children think they are punished because they deserve it. Parents and caregivers hold so much power!

Many behaviors of an emotionally abused child can also be seen in normal children but a change in patterns or behaviors is a strong indication of emotion abuse

WHAT DOES AN EMOTIONALLY DISCONNECTED PARENT LOOK LIKE?

·         Unreasonably Criticizes or puts down child and devalues their self-image

·         Calls child names

·         Devalues the child and their thoughts and feelings

·         Neglecting or ignoring the health or educational needs of the child

·         Demands respect while Repeated showing none to child

·         Putting excessive demands on a child's performance

·         Penalizing a child for positive, normal behavior and self-esteem

·         Discouraging interpersonal skills needed for adequate performance in school and peer groups.

·         Belittling

·         Continuous discipline for almost all behavior

·         Purposely ignores the child,

·         Doesn't express affection or love

·         Rigid and/or unrealistic expectations

·         The focus of blame for all family problems.

·         Shows dislike for the child

·         Rejects child and discourages attachment because parent is not willing or not able to provide affection or stimulation

·         Indifferent to child's problems

·         Restricting contact with others, limiting their freedom

·         Force into seclusion-stay in their room, closet, basement or attic for long periods of time

·         Insulting, Teasing or uses demeaning jokes to humiliate them

·         Shows preferential treatment among siblings

·         Negatively describes or compares child to others

·         Gives extreme punishment

·         Uses threats, threats of fear, or physical pain,

·         Frequently exposing children to family violence

·         Threatening to hurt, torture or kill a pet, a loved one or the child.

·         Threatening abandonment

·         Corrupting the child by giving alcohol, drugs, showing them pornographic materials, exposing them to cruelty toward animals or other human beings.

·         Tolerating or encouraging inappropriate or deviant behaviour,

·         Consider the child as a servant, or encouraging and coercing them to participate in sexual acts.

·         Exploiting them by involving them in stealing, assaulting, drug dealing or prostitution.

PARENT OR CAREGIVER PROBLEMS

·         poor impulse control

·         low tolerance for frustration

·         immature

·         mental health problems

·         alcohol or drug abuse

These attacks slowly eat away at a child’s emotional stability and self-esteem resulting in depression, lack of attachment or emotional bond to a parent or guardian, delayed/low cognitive ability and educational achievement and poor social skills. Our physical wounds and scars will heal eventually but emotional scaring and damage can last throughout a person’s lifetime. Emotional child abuse is easily overlooked and both the actions of the abuser and the effects on the abused can be hidden behind many behavioral labels and justifications.

PSYCHOLOGICAL SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSED CHILD

·         no self-confidence

·         unusual fears

·         clingy

·         extreme dependence

·         withdrawn

·         depressed

·         Low self-esteem and lack of self confidence

·         severe anxiety

·         difficulty forming relationships

·         agressive or passive-agressive

·         overly passive or compliant

·         obsessive-compulsive

·         self-destructive/cruel/suicidal thoughts

·         avoiding eye contact

·         fearfulness

·         emotional unstable

·         sleep disturbances

·         has feelings of shame

·         self-blame and self-depreciation

OUTWARD PHYSICAL SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSED CHILD?

·         Difficulties in school and school work

·         Inappropriate behavior for age or development

·         Alcohol or drug abuse

·         Underachievement at school or other activities

·         inability to trust

·         Stealing

·         Other types of abuse are present or suspected

·         Eating disorders, with weight loss or undernourished development

·         Rebellious or destructive behaviour

·         Sleep disorders or frequent nightmares

·         Unusual fears such as fear of going home; being left alone; fear of certain objects

·         Vague physical complaints

·         Uncooperativeness or Aggressive

·         Difficulty with relationships or poor relationships with peers

·         Antisocial behavior - being constantly withdrawn and sad or alienation

·         Personality disorders

·         Bedwetting or loss of bowel control (after a child has been trained)

·         Neediness and clinginess

·         Alcohol or drug abuse

·         Unwanted pregnancy

·         Suicide attempts or discussion

·         Frequent crying

·         Delays or refuses of medical treatment

·         Physical discomfort or nervousness around certain people

·         Prostitution

·         Criminal behavior

·         Abusing others

What can you do if emotional abuse is suspected?

·         Report suspected or known child abuse or neglect to a child welfare agency or the police

·         Keep informed of resources and materials relating to emotional abuse.

·         Be available to the child.

·         Listen to the child.

·         Believe the child

·         Support the child

·         Tell the child that they are not alone.

·         Let the child know that the emotional abuse is not the child's fault.

·         Be positive, consistent and predictable.

·         Let the person know about available support services

What can you do if your being abused?

·         You might feel trapped, like there’s nowhere to turn and no one you can trust but

o    Remember that you don’t have to handle this alone

·         Not getting the love or care you deserve can change the way you think

o    You do not deserve to feel bad.

·         Nothing that you can do is punishable by abuse. No one ever deserves to be abused

o    It is not your fault;

·         it’s important to tell someone because you need help to make it better

o    Talk to someone about it.

·         Who can you tell?

o    A relative

o    A friend’s parent:

o    A teacher, coach, principal

o    An adult from a church or other place of worship, community centre, or club

·         If someone you tell doesn’t want to get involved, you need to tell someone else. Don’t wait for things to get better on their own.

o     

·         It takes a lot of courage to talk about this, so take your time. Until you are ready to talk stay safe

Remember that children are our most cherished treasure but they are also a treasure that can be changed and molded as a product of their environment. As parents and caregivers we have been given the unimaginable gift of their lives entrusted to our care, but also we also have the enormous responsibility of that care. As in almost every other life form on this planet our offspring need love, nurturing and care to grow and mature into the best that they can be. The power we hold over our young is incredible and we must ensure that our care is positive and promotes growth and well being. As human beings, every experience and thought we have affects our perceptions, our beliefs, our assumptions about the world and creates the person that we are as wells as the pathways we will choose based on those experiences.  Therefore parents and caregivers hold an incredible power that can significantly affect the children we interact with and this is something we must never take for granted or lose sight of.

The gift of life is such a precious thing and we must not allow those lives to grow untended or in negative circumstances.  Please give our children a chance and shower them with love and attention!

Why Do We Cry?

Why do we cry?

When we think of crying we associate it with some kind of emotional pain, and yet we also cry tears of joy. We all know by personal experience that both sad tears and happy tears well up in our eyes when we experience a strong emotional response to something. In fact, research has found neural connections in the brain between our tear ducts (Lacrimal gland) and brain regions associated with emotional stimulation. 

There are studies that show children and old aged adults, both male and female, cry similar amounts and for similar lengths of time. However from adolescence to older age, women cry much more often than men. Although our society is becoming more accepting of showing feelings, men still have more difficulty crying in public than women. By keeping a stiff upper lip and maintaining the tension in their face they can temporarily postpone crying while they attempt to transfer their thoughts onto something else.

There are 3 kinds of tears. Basal tears keep our eyes lubricated and reflex tears operate to flush irritations or foreign objects from our eyes. The third kind is emotional tears which operate through the emotional part of our brain called the limbic system during feelings of intense pain or strong emotions. These emotional tears contain higher levels of hormones than the other types of tears, so it is thought that these tears are the body’s way of flushing out the build up of hormones in the body. Many people state how much better they feel after having a good cry especially when there were others around to support them. Those who are able to cry also tend to be healthier than those who hold their emotions inside them and don’t cry.

It is natural to assume we cry because our emotions have reached a point that we just can’t handle anymore. Some say it’s kind of like opining a relief valve to let out the pressure. In fact, evidence suggests that we don’t cry when we feel pain or strong emotion but we cry after the worst is over and start to calm down letting all that built up energy drain out of us.

Some researchers think that crying shows others our vulnerability and helplessness which may serve as a defensive mechanism to show submission to an attacker. Crying also serves to draw sympathy and empathy from bystanders as well as creating an emotional bond with other people. Tears of sadness can send the message that you are in need of help or comforting. We typically cry when we feel safe, so a person’s tears can suggest there is a willingness and openness to accept the help of others like a parent, counsellor, sibling or a friend.

Where do tears come from?

The Nervous System in our bodies is attached to everything. Its two main parts are our

·         The Central nervous system which contains

o   the Brain and spinal cord and

·         The Peripheral nervous system which contains;

o   The Somatic nervous system giving us voluntary control mainly of our muscles, and

o   The Autonomic nervous system which automatically controls and regulates most of our internal organs and glands.

Within the Autonomic Nervous System is;

§  The Enteric nervous system which contains nearly 100 million nerves that interconnect in a complex network of nerve fibers to the organs in your abdomen

§  The Sympathetic nervous system is thought to prime the body for action, is constantly active keeping the body at a basic level equilibrium and it activates the nervous system’s “fight-or-flight” response

§  The Parasympathetic system, which generally works to promote maintenance of the body at rest, is sometimes called the "rest-and-digest" responses.

 It is the Sympathetic nervous system working in conjunction with the Parasympathetic nervous system which we are interested in here today.  

You may have heard of the term fight or flight response which is initiated by the sympathetic nervous system. This is your body’s reaction to a stressful experience or event when the body feels the need to quickly escape from dangerous situations or to stay and fight it head on. Your body supplies you with extra energy and healing properties, increases the blood flow and oxygen to your muscles, and at the same time reducing other non-essential body functions like digestion, urination, and even tears, while the stressful situation continues.

As an individual is undergoing this sympathetic response, eventually the parasympathetic nervous system attempts to reduce and cancel out the Sympathetic response brought on by the stressful situation. Generally speaking the sympathetic nervous system, in unison and in contrast with the parasympathetic system, acts to regulate the body to keep it in a state of balance and equilibrium. Basically, the Sympathetic system activates and the parasympathetic system calms.

So why do we cry? Have you ever noticed when a young child is surprised, scared or injured there is often a short delay before they begin to cry? Have you experienced an intense emotional event where you feel a sense of shock, fear, anger or surprise at first and then feelings of sorrow and pain begin to emerge shortly afterwards. Your body starts to relax and kind of lets down it’s guard and you feel the tension begin to drain out of your body.

What’s happening is that the sympathetic nervous system acts with a quick response, temporarily halting any unnecessary functions, kind of like the police responding to emergency call. Then later, the parasympathetic nervous system calms things down and takes care of any unfinished business by restarting bodily systems that were temporarily shutdown. It puts things back into proper order, works on any repairs sustained by the body during the emergency and brings balance and equilibrium back to the body.

Tears begin to flow when our sympathetic system quickly slows down, lowering our adrenalin level, and the parasympathetic system takes over relaxing the body. This shift is almost always triggered by some kind of meaningful event. Take the example of a child searching frantically without tears in a very tense and alert state for a lost parent and then upon finding them begins to cry. Or when a loved one is in great danger and you remain vigilant and tear free, but when you find out they are ok you cry tears of joy. We also cry when either we cannot solve a problem just yet or feel we cannot solve a problem at all such as when the lost child looks for the parent but cannot find them. These kinds of tears show that the child has given up, at least temporarily, and their body feels a kind of release indicating the shift from the highly activated sympathetic nervous system to the calming and recovery state of the parasympathetic system.

Remember that both happiness and sadness can both produce tears because tears are simply the result of the body’s shift from arousal to recovery. We merely give it a label based on the situation in which it occurs.

           

What to do when someone cries. Many of us feel crowded and uncomfortable with others frantically trying to help us when we cry. We need a relaxed, safe space to release and sort out our thoughts and feelings. This is not the time to bombard the person with questions about why they’re crying or telling them not to cry and that everything will be ok or worse, trying to reduce the seriousness of the problem.

When others cry it makes us feel anxious and uncomfortable and we try our best to make them feel better as quickly as possible but we cannot simply stop the symptom and assume the problem will be solved. We have to resist the urge to do something or speed up the process and simply allow the tears and the natural recovery phase to run its course. As long as tears are falling let them continue to flow. Sometimes a few minutes of crying can seem like an eternity to us who are trying to comfort a person, but let them release their pain and feelings until they feel satisfied. If it is appropriate you may lightly touch the person to let them know you are present and standing by if needed. Simply by being there helps them to know that you care and that they are not alone.

            When they are ready to talk you can ask them about what they are thinking and what they feel is causing the tears. Let them express themselves and their feelings and listen to them with a neutral and empathic ear.