Q: My parents have been
fighting like crazy and now they tell me they are getting a divorce. What does
that mean for me?
A: The quick answer is
that it will cause some confusion in your life but you need to remember that
your mother and father love you and their break up is not your fault.
When
parents feel that they can no longer live together, very often there is anger,
arguments, yelling, name calling and often a lot of silence and loneliness in
the house. This can be extremely difficult for the children who are the
innocent victims of a break up. You may feel a variety of different emotions.
You may feel sad because they are breaking up, angry that one of them may have
done something wrong, or anxiety about what life will be like in the future.
You may wonder where you will live, who you will live with and what that life
will look like. This can be very overwhelming for anyone.
Sometimes
parents will try to convince you that the other parent is bad or has done
something wrong and try to get you on “their side”. They shouldn’t try to split
your love between mother and father, but, don’t be afraid to ask questions and
understand what is happening either. Parents make mistakes and they can say
things sometimes that they don’t really mean. Asking questions can clarify what
your parents really mean and help you to understand what is happening. You
might not want to hear all the gory details, and that is probably best, but you
also don’t want to be out of the picture and not know anything about what’s
happening. Remember your parents love you but in a breakup or divorce they may
be distracted with all that is going on. Remind them you are there and you want
to be part of their lives.
It is also
important not to hold in your feelings. Talk to your friends, or relatives and
brothers and sisters about how you feel. Perhaps you know someone who has
already experienced a breakup or divorce and you are able to talk to them to
help you understand some of the things that are going on now and what you might
expect in the future. They may also be able to give you some guidance as to
what worked for them to get them through this difficult time. Most of all, they
will understand what you’re going through.
Once a
divorce or separate occurs there may be other people who show up around the
house. Parents may date other people or start hanging out with people you have
never met before. Although it is natural for your parents to want to move on
with their life, it can be difficult for you to handle. When a mother or father
brings home another partner it can really stir up conflicting feelings inside
of you.
It is
important to remember that your mother and father are always your mother and
father and they will always love you. As they find new love in another partner
you may find that their attention seems to be more towards their new partner
and less towards you. At those times, let them know how you feel. Tell them you
miss them and want to spend time with them. Sometimes we can get so caught up
in our own lives that we forget who we care about and forget to show them we
love them. It is important for both parents and children to be open with their
feelings, care about each other and tell each other you love each other as often
as you can!
For the young ones, I think the best thing to do is to try and keep an open mind regarding everything that is happening. Challenges will come and changes will take place, but remember that there is always a rainbow after the rain. See the positive in things and pick up the lessons that can be learned. And I agree with you here – ‘It is important to remember that your mother and father are always your mother and father and they will always love you.’ No matter what happens, they will always love you.
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