I feel ugly, no one likes me, I don’t have any friends and I’m not very smart

Q: I feel ugly, no one likes me, I don’t have any friends and I’m not very smart or athletic. I want to be popular like other people but I don’t think I’m good enough to be like them. I don’t like how that feels.

A: Everyone is special and everyone has amazing talents and skills- there are no exceptions! The problem is that not everyone believes it or hasn’t yet developed those unique talents that are still hidden inside them and causes them to feel empty and inferior. I assure you they are there but you have to believe in yourself.

What we’re talking about here is called self esteem. We develop a mental picture of ourselves called our Self-mage about who we are, how we look, what we're good at, and what our weaknesses might be from a young age. A lot of our self-image is based on interactions we have with other people and our life experiences. This self-image we create for ourselves determines our self-esteem. Self-esteem is all about how much we believe we are valued, loved, and accepted by others as well as how much we value, love, and accept ourselves. People with healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities, skills, and accomplishments. People with low self-esteem may feel as if no one likes them or accepts them or that they can't do anything well.

Our self-esteem is especially vulnerable when someone, whose approval is important to us, like a parent, teacher or someone you admire, constantly puts you down. This criticism can also come from a voice inside us which sometimes seems to find fault with everything we do. Sometimes that voice also unintentionally repeats the hurtful or negative words of a critical parent, teacher or someone else whose opinion is important to you and you hear it in your head over and over. After a while it can hurt your self-esteem just as much as if there were talking right to you. Sometimes we can get so used to listening to that inner voice that we don't even notice how many negative things we say to ourselves.

People create an image of who they want to be or think they should be and forget to appreciate the person they really are. For example, you may admire athletic skills of others but you’re real talent is still undiscovered at being really good at art. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to work on athletic skills and try to improve if you like doing that activity it, but it’s important to remember that you can’t be good at everything. Be proud of the things you are good at, accept there are things you’re not so good at, and continue to work at things you want to improve on. Sometimes it just takes a little time to find those things we really like to do and get good at them. Don’t be discouraged, getting good at something usually takes a lot of practice.

What are some of the causes of low self esteem?: Low self esteem means not feeling good about yourself or your abilities and believing that you don’t measure up to certain standards. Sometimes you might have good self-esteem but then something happens and changes it. Perhaps you moved and didn’t make friends at a new school, or maybe your parents divorced and you feel unlovable or to blame. You may feel too fat or too thin and start thinking badly of yourself. You may be dealing with an illness, like cancer, diabetes, or asthma, and feel different and less confident than before. You may be going through the body changes of puberty, which everybody does, and it is affecting how you feel about yourself. Perhaps you are picked on because of your skin color or culture and you feel isolated and alone. As we get older our self esteem gets attacked from many sources and it can be hard sometimes to stay positive. If you want to increase your self-esteem you need to challenge and change those negative thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself.

What is good self-esteem? It is not bragging about how great you are. Rather, it means to have a positive view of yourself, a good sense of self-worth, having a optimistic outlook, feeling satisfied with yourself most of the time and knowing and believing that you are a unique and special person worthy of being loved and accepted like everyone else. It's not about thinking you're perfect, because nobody’s perfect but it’s holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself and your abilities. It’s the courage to try new things and the power to believe in yourself. It’s respecting yourself, even when you make mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes. That’s how we all learn and grow as a person.

What can you do?

Ø  Make a list of the stuff you're good at and several things that you like about yourself.  Keep working on those skills or talents and good things about you. When you feel negative, take a look at your list of positive things about you.  

Ø  Give yourself three compliments every day. Don't just say I'm great. Be specific about the good things about yourself, or things that really made you happy.

Ø  No matter what shape, size, color, culture, gender or sexual orientation; Be proud of who you are. You ARE an awesome person. Believe in yourself!

Ø  Try to stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. When you do this, you take the power away from the voice inside that discourages you. When you catch yourself talking negative to yourself replace them with positive thoughts

Ø  Self-esteem requires accepting responsibility for your own happiness. You are a product of the choices you make and the beliefs you choose to accept in describing yourself. Pick positive beliefs.

Ø  Work towards accomplishment rather than perfection. Few things in life are perfect. Enjoy the journey and your achievements along the way.

Ø  View mistakes as learning opportunities and not as a defect. Accept that you will make mistakes because everyone does. Mistakes are part of learning.

Ø  Be brave, be confident and try new things, new activities, opportunities and adventures. Take pride in your new accomplishments and skills. It really does build confidence.

Ø  Identify people who encourage negative thoughts, beliefs and opinions and choose to be around positive people. Positive people create positive feelings and negative people create negative feelings.

Ø  Acknowledge your positive qualities and things you are good at. If you think about it for a while you can find lots of them.

Ø  Be helpful and considerate to others. Being friendly creates friendships.

Ø  Engage in work and hobbies that you enjoy and have fun! Spending time with the people you care about and friends who care about you doing the things you love.

SO…

Ø  Recognize things you can't change. Accept and love those things about yourself like skin color, gender, shoe size, height and family history because they are part of you. Take pride in your family's heritage and learn more about it. If it's something you can't change, then start to work toward loving yourself the way you are and find strengths in those features.

Ø  Recognize what you can change. If you realize that you're unhappy with something about yourself that you can change, then start today and make that change.

Ø  Decide what you can and can’t control. Change and act on the things that are in your control and release the things that are out of your control.

Ø  Identify your unique strengths and abilities and plan to build on them.

Ø  Don’t let others define who you are. Set goals but remember that you are distinct so pursue your own dreams not someone else’s.

Ø  Set goals. Think about what you'd like to accomplish, and then make a plan for how to do it. Stick with your plan and keep track of your progress until you accomplish your goals

Ø  Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes and with every experience we learn from it. Success is often a string of failed attempts on the way to getting it right.

Ø  Take pride in your opinions and ideas. Don't be afraid to voice them. Not every idea or opinion will be popular but that’s okay. The more you make your voice heard and receive feedback, the more you will understand that subject and become knowledgeable about it. It’s your opinion and you have every right to have it.

Ø  Be Assertive: That doesn’t mean you should be aggressive or difficult, but to value yourself and communicate with other with mutual respect. Begin to say no confidently and calmly to unreasonable requests, or tell people your opinions, feelings, or ideas.

Ø  A small success can bring big feelings of confidence. Every step counts so take one step at a time in a positive direction, and your self-esteem will grow and grow. Self-esteem builds on itself so that your successes nourish your self-esteem, which motivates you to take on other goals.

Ø  Write down your experiences in a diary or journal and reflect on them. Look at the situation and try to find a way you could have handled the situation better that had a positive outcome and would not affect your self esteem.  

Ø  Build a support system of people including family and friends and community leaders that you can talk to and lean on for support.

Ø  Take care of yourself in body, mind and spirit. Exercise, sleep and healthy eating go a long way to making you feel good.  Exercise is a great stress reliever and it will make you feel healthier and happier. Really!

Ø  Accept compliments. You ARE an awesome person. Believe in yourself!

People say bad and cruel things to me, push me or hit me.

Q: Some people at school say bad and cruel things to me. Sometimes they hit me or push me. I feel depressed, alone and unwanted.

A: I know that when hurtful things are said or done to you, it can make you feel awfully bad. When it continues for a long time it can really make you feel sad, depressed and even suicidal.

                Please know that you do not have to feel alone. There are lots of people who care about you and will help you, if you are willing and reach out to someone you trust. Tell someone like a parent, your friend, a neighbour or even a stranger that you trust, such as a religious leader, teacher, the Kids Help phone, the Distress Center crisis lines or someone in a community organization. You will find lots of people who care (see my links). I assure you, that you don’t have to be alone in this! There are a lot of people who you can talk to right now!

How Does Bullying Make People Feel?

Bullying can make you feel scared all the time. It can make you feel sick and not wanting to go to school or to other social activities making you become withdrawn, alone and lonely to avoid being tormented. Being so distracted by this bullying, your schoolwork, learning and memory may suffer. You may have trouble sleeping because of worry, anxiety or nightmares or you might sleep too much because you’re exhausted from all of the mental anguish. You may become prone to panic attacks, depression, low self-esteem from being humiliated, embarrassed, and picked on.

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Let’s try to understand this.

What is Bullying?

People who bully are learning to use power and aggression to control and cause pain and distress to others. What hurts the most is that they don’t stop. Bullies are often persistent, and continue to hurt others over and over again for long time which seeks to create a constant fear and helplessness in their victims.

There are many forms of bullying. There is Physical bullying like hitting, kicking, shoving, stealing your stuff or even damaging your things; Verbal bullying is calling you names, insulting you, making fun of you, to tease you, humiliate you or threaten you, using talk that is racist, sexual, religious, cultural or about a disability; Social bullying are things like being ignored, being excluded from groups or activities, gossiping or spreading rumours or lies, setting others up to look foolish, and damaging friendships; Cyber bullying are things like using of email, cell phones, text messages, and internet sites to threaten, harass, embarrass, trick you to reveal personal information, pretending to be someone else to trick you, socially exclude, or damage reputations and friendships or send humiliating pictures, some even set up social network pages to write about people.

Why does someone pick on you?

A person wants to bully another person to make them feel bad.  When they do this they feel they gain power over that person. Power makes people feel like they're better than another person, which makes them feel good about themselves. Power also makes you stand out from the crowd so it's a way for the bully to get attention from others. Peer pressure is also a powerful thing because people like to join in with what that their friends are doing to fit in, or feel like they are part of a group even if they don’t necessarily agree with what’s going on.

Two main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance or their social status.

There are many things bullies use as excuses to bully such as the victims being a different size, a minority;  your gender, race, culture, religion or something that makes you stand out. Bullies pick on the people they think don't fit in because they are outside the main group and believe they are easier targets. It might be because of how they look, how they act such as people who are shy and withdrawn, or if they think someone may be a gay or lesbian person. It could be that they get anxious or upset easily, or they don’t have too many friends and are usually alone. It could be that they don't have a lot of confidence and don't seem to stand up for themselves. Sometimes it might be just a single thing that happened, like an embarrassing moment when people were watching or there may be no reason at all. Maybe you were in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone was feeling particularly mean.

Bystanders can often be of little help in stopping the bully because they are afraid they could be the next victim. Even if they feel badly for the person being bullied, they often avoid getting involved in order to protect themselves or because they don’t know what to do.

What can you do?

If you're being bullied again and again the Most Important Thing you should do is to talk to someone. It can be an adult or anyone else you trust, but talk to someone and let them know. Sometimes you may feel you old enough to deal with things without telling another “Adult”. That’s ok, but tell someone you trust. Don’t be alone in this because you really don’t have to be. Bullying is wrong and it can be stopped.

                If bullying starts to lead to physical danger or might in the near future, it is really important that you report it to an adult or other authority. Its gone way too far by then. A lot of high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks were not reported giving the bully license to become more and more violent. Don’t be silent about being bullied! The best place to start is usually with your parents. If you feel you can't tell your parents or you don’t want to, talk to another adult you trust like a teacher, principal, school counsellor, or someone at your religious place of worship.

If you don't want to talk to someone alone, bring a friend, sibling, or parent. It especially helps if a person who has seen the bullying comes with you.

Now that you've spoken to someone about the problem, there are lots of things you can do to prevent future bullying.

Ø  Don't walk alone. Travel with at least one other person whenever you can.

Ø  Avoid places where bullying happens. Take a different route to and from school or activities. Leave a little earlier or later to avoid the bully.

Ø  When you are confronted -Ignore the bully and walk away. Run if necessary. Remove yourself from the situation. Go to a place where an adult or other people you trust are present. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you're telling the bully that you just don't care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.

Ø  Try not to cry, get angry, or show that you're upset. It easy to get upset but that's what they want you to do. They want to know they have control over you. Try not to let them have that control.

Ø  Respond to the bully confidently and firmly. You are a good person who deserves respect. Hold your head up, stand proud, and look them in the eye. Be proud of your differences and don’t be ashamed of an illness or disability. They may say mean things to you but that can never take away from the good person you are. They are only words.

Ø  Don't get physical. Because you never know what they will do and you could hurt or in trouble. You can stand up for yourself without getting violent or getting into a fight. Be assertive or walk away and allow yourself to be in control of the situation with your actions. Being aggressive usually just leads to more bullying and greater violence.

Ø  Practice confidence. Practice ways to confidently respond to the bully in your actions and your words. Practice feeling good about yourself!

Ø  Take back your life. You can't control other people's words or actions, but you can focus on caring for yourself. Spend time with your friends or join a new after-hours class, a social club, or gym and meet new friends. The world is a big place and it is full of wonderful and friendly people. Have fun and enjoy life. Don’t let someone else have control over your life.

Ø  Most Importantly - Talk about it. Talk to a guidance counsellor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.

My friend doesn't want to live anymore. What should I do?

Q: My friend told me she doesn’t want to live anymore. The world will be better off without her. What should I do?

A: Well the first thing I can tell you is that your friend is reaching out to you by telling you that she wants to kill herself. It may not seem like it, but that’s a good thing. Now someone knows.

Most suicides do not happen fast. Although, there may not be direct statements about death, there are usually plenty of warning signs and invitations by the person to hear their distress and subtle cries for help. Your friend has just reached out to you. Believe me, a concerned and caring person can make all the difference here!

In our teen years there are a lot of pressures, changes and transformations taking place in our bodies, minds and environments. We enter puberty, high school, experiment with new things and new experiences, there is a growing awareness of sexuality and relationships, and developing into an adult which are all bunched together in one big mixed bag of things we have to make sense of. It can be a lot for anyone to handle and can sometimes overwhelm us.

Suicide, or even the word suicide, can be a scary thing for anyone. Yet one of the greatest myths is that talking about suicide to someone at risk will make them kill themselves. It’s simply not true. It is actually the other way around. By bringing the subject of suicide out in the open, it’s like taking the weight of the world off their shoulders. It’s creates a kind of freedom for them like “I feel so much better now that someone knows, I don’t feel so alone anymore.” Most people who attempt suicide try to communicate with someone first but may not find an ear willing to listen. They may not directly address suicide either so it is important to take any signs of suicide seriously and not be afraid to talk about it openly. Although it may feel uncomfortable, the best thing you can do if you suspect someone is thinking about suicide is to ask them directly. “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Don’t be vague or general; be very specific when you ask them.  Most people thinking about suicide are of two minds; they want to die but they also want to live. If they really wanted to kill themselves they would just do it, but most people don’t. They give signs and warnings, behavioural changes, become withdrawn, you may see character changes. The idea of suicide usually happens in the middle of turbulent feelings and events and sometimes we get so overwhelmed with things we just can’t see any way out. No one wants to be suicidal and most people who consider suicide don’t act on it. Talking to them and helping them clarify their thoughts may be all that’s needed to get them past this dangerous time.

I am going to briefly explain 3 basic steps to helping someone at risk of suicide.

Please remember that every person and every situation is different so this is only a guide.

Connect ....... Understand ....... Assist

1) Connect – Exploring invitations

You may not be certain that a person is thinking about suicide but there may be “invitations” from the person who is reaching out in subtle ways or behaviours. This is the time to explore what they are experiencing and try to connect with the person, being open, accepting and supportive. Below is a list of possible invitations that may point towards hopelessness, helplessness, despair and desperation which can lead to thoughts of suicide.

Key things to watch for are Situations and events that have feelings of loss connected to them and a change in behaviours and actions

Stressful events like the loss of loved one, trouble with the law, recent suicide or violence, sexuality, abuse.

Physical changes like lack of interest, lack of energy, disturbed sleep, loss of sex drive, weight/appetite change, and health complaints.

Behaviours and actions involving crying, emotional outbursts, relationship troubles, school grades, drug or alcohol abuse, being reckless or impulsive, loss of interest in things, withdrawal or giving away possessions.

Thoughts of escape, guilt, being alone, talk and/or planning for suicide, putting affairs in order, having no future, “can’t take it anymore”, “feel like dying”, “wish I were dead”, “no one can help me now”, everyone is better off without me”, I can’t do anything right”, “I’m  such a loser but my problems will be over soon”

Feeling –desperate, angry, sad, ashamed, worthless, lonely, disconnected, hopeless,, worthless.

If you suspect the person is may be considering suicide,

Ask them directly!

“Are you thinking about killing yourself?”

2) Understand - Review the Risks

Reasons: You need to listen and understand their story and why they want to kill themselves. They want to be heard, so please listen. Persons who are at risk of suicide are almost always ambivalent and unsure about killing themselves. Talking is almost always helpful. Listen to the reasons for dying as well as living. Stay with the negative parts as long as they want and let them tell you their story. Be persistent though and reinforce and build on any positives they talk about- stay with them if they stay in the negative and let them talk about what’s bothering them.

Remember                                           C. P. R.

Current plan-(are they prepared for suicide?-disable the suicide plan- (put away the gun) how will they do it, how prepared are they, are the means to kill themselves available, how soon will they do it?

Pain (are they desperate? - ease pain) - pain and despair that feels unbearable

Resources (are they alone?-link them to resources) - children, friends, neighbours, spouse, relatives, job, hobbies, spirituality, clergy, a will to live, distress centers, health workers, hospital, suicide hot lines.

Other items that put a person at higher risk of suicide: 

Having previously attempted suicide- those who have tried before are more likely to try again because it makes it more acceptable and increases the risk 
History of Mental health- drug or alcohol treatment, depression schizophrenia etc.

Stay in sync with the person, don’t try to move to quickly into positives if they resist, stay with them where they want to talk but keep building on the positives. They are talking because they don’t really want to kill themselves.

3) Assist- Contracting a Safe plan

Make a contact with the person and a commitment from them to remain safe for an agreed specified time period. It can be 1 hr, 1 day or, 1 week, but it must be realistic. Ensure details of the commitments made are specific and clearly understood. Be sure they can repeat the plan to you and remember it or they may not be able to follow it. Confirm there is some form of emergency support for them if the safe plan fails for some reason. Encourage them to write down telephone numbers etc. and make their environment suicide safe.  For example remove guns, pills, knives that they might use to kill themselves.

Give them your commitment to them to follow up and to keep them safe and supported.

               

Summary

***Explore invitations to help---ask about thoughts of suicide- don’t be afraid to talk about it----listen-to the reasons for dying and living—review the risk factors--contract-a safe plan for them—follow-up-on the commitments to the safe plan*** 

You have reached out to help them but you cannot control their actions. Remember that no matter what happens the person at risk is responsible for their own actions. Think of us as lifeguards who stay on the lookout and help people in danger. However, if the swimmer is caught in a strong current it’s not always possible to pull them to safety. Please understand, if a person chooses to end their life, it is not your fault.